I had no idea. I’d been living outside of myself for much of my life up to that time.⠀⠀
I have the ability to leave my body at will. If you have this ability, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. If you don’t then maybe you can consider this your “learn something new each day.”
I can escape my form and not be fully present for events, stressors and situations. You might think, “Who wouldn’t want that, to not be present for something sucky?”⠀⠀
I get it, but it doesn’t work that way, because in order to grow and learn, we must be present and accounted for, even for the painful stuff.
When I escaped and checked out, which is essentially what I was doing, I was running away and I missed things. Like what made me happy or how I FELT. I spent years intellectualizing my feelings instead of feeling my feelings.⠀⠀
I would offer what I thought about how I felt. Usually something like, “I THINK I feel (insert adjective here)”.
Not, I feel sad, angry, depressed, confused, overjoyed. You get the point.
I’m a runner. That’s what I dubbed myself. I had to identify it so I could spot it when it happened. Claiming that part of me, the part that would rather run than stick around for the pain, was huge.
Moving to Tulum in 2017 wasn’t an easy decision. I needed to be sure I wasn’t running away.
Getting there was a triumph. When I made the decision I knew, for a fact, I WAS running. This time it was toward myself. Into MY arms. To the woman I’d become over the years.
It was freeing knowing I was there for myself, completely. My past didn’t have to define who I’d become in the future.
What would happen if your version of the past didn’t have to be the commentary on who you are going forward?
What if everything that’s happening right now in your life is leading you to a place of deeper understanding, clarity and love?
Would you approach it differently?
I certainly do! And now I don’t need to run anymore.