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For years I believed I had to do everything perfectly. I believed I had to be everything to everyone. I spent so much time working to master the job and be a great leader. I thought there was some place I’d land when I did it all right. A place where I’d feel fulfilled, content.

=> It didn’t matter how tired I was.

=> It didn’t matter that my adrenals and kidneys were depleted.

=> It didn’t matter that I had three fibroid tumors growing on my uterus from stress.

I judged myself for doing too much or not doing enough. I judged myself for saying the wrong thing or not saying anything at all. I judged myself for getting to the top of my career and still not feeling fulfilled.

All that judgement was exhausting. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I had to learn how to do it all differently once I walked away from my seventeen-year career. The position was a driving force in my life – one I thought defined me. Being the CEO of a $34M organization was the pinnacle of all the striving I did for years. I had to learn a completely new way of being without the work, stress and beliefs. I had to learn who I was without the distractions of the position.

I had to learn how to put myself first. Really, I had to learn how to love myself. Ugh!

I’d always heard the relationship with self is the most important relationship you’ll ever have. Well, that one piece of knowledge made me throw up in mouth every time I heard it. I didn’t know how to have a relationship with myself! Who had time for that anyway?

The truth is, I didn’t really know what it meant. I made it so much harder than it needed to be … my speciality!

Loving myself meant I had to learn to put ME first – and it wasn’t selfish to do so.

🔑 I had to learn to get out of my head and trust the internal guidance, without question.

🔑 I had to learn to have my own back and say what needed to be said, even when it was uncomfortable or scary.

🔑 I had to learn how to live my life without pushing myself.

Every time I was pushing I was fearful. I was afraid I was missing some import detail. I was afraid I’d lose something – like my job. I was afraid people wouldn’t like me. You get the idea!

In the beginning, loving myself just enough to stop doing and striving is what opened the door to the path that ultimately healed my body from twenty years of pushing and driving myself to depletion. 

It was the spark of light I needed. The one that guided me back to myself and allowed me to find out who I was when I wasn’t trying to be someone I thought others expected me to be.

Loving myself brought me back to whole. ♥️

©2020 KelliReese

©2020 KelliReese