In my last blog post, I shared that I finally allowed myself to accept my truth about what was happening in my marriage. Admitting how I felt was a turning point for me, but I was still scared to speak my truth.
When I gathered the courage to be honest with my husband, I closed my eyes, asked for guidance and softly said, “I’m worried about us. I’m not getting what I need in our relationship”. I took a deep breath, “I feel alone. I need more connection”.
Tears filled his eyes, which sparked tears in mine, “I need more intimacy, I feel like we’re roommates rather than husband and wife and I don’t want to live with a roommate”.
I needed him to understand, “I feel closed off from you, I know you don’t understand what that is, but I feel it, and it creates a distance between us”.
FINALLY, I arrived at my truth, “I need someone who is growing on a spiritual path. My life revolves around my spirituality. It matters to me. I want to be able to share it with my partner”.
After a thoughtful silence, he generously and lovingly said, “I’m fearful I can’t give that to you”. I offered, “Maybe the fear is just something for you to push through?”
“Maybe that’s true, but I’m not going to meditate or do yoga with you. It’s just not me”.
My shoulders dropped as I released the breath I’d been subconsciously holding for years. Deep inside, I knew his honesty was a gift.
There was a stillness as we talked. The weight of my truth began to lift as I allowed it to be in the world. All the questioning, uncertainty and mistrust of my own feelings was set free.
It wasn’t the first time we talked about the divide between us, the lack of intimacy or my spiritual path. It was the first time I said it mattered.
As the pieces of the conversation lay between us, I told him, “I want to spend a month in Tulum to give us both some time to process and feel this out”. Tulum had been calling me back there since my visit eighteen months earlier. I wasn’t sure why, but I knew it was the place I needed to go.
He lovingly said, “If that’s what you need, then I support you”.
It was the first time I truly understood the all-encompassing meaning of unconditional love: loving without attachment, loving myself enough to say what I need, and loving each other enough to not try and change one another.
I went to Tulum for four weeks. A month later, I moved here indefinitely.
Having the conversation was the moment I showed up for myself, wholly. Owning my truth freed me up to discover what else there was for me, even for us.
Today, we both choose to be in each other’s lives. We’re almost done unraveling what we built together, and we’ve been supportive of each other as we let go of the life we had.
I’m still living in Tulum, Mexico and I spent the last year and a half traveling the world. I couldn’t find the path my soul intended until I was clear within my heart.
If I didn’t speak my truth that night, I wouldn’t be doing the work I am today helping spiritual women find clarity in their long term relationships. The Clear Heart Program wouldn’t even exist. And I wouldn’t have written my second book, “The Relationship Roadmap”.
The women I’ve worked with in the Clear Heart Program over the last year may not be where they are today, which completely blows my mind, because many of their lives have changed in incredible ways.
The Clear Heart Program is my life’s work. It’s what every single step I’ve taken over the years was leading to. I wouldn’t have known this, if I wasn’t willing to say what needed to be said. It was scary and imperfect, but it was necessary.
A few months into our separation, I phoned my husband and said, “I’m sorry”. In my heart I knew I’d done the work to be confident in the decision, but I was feeling the weight of walking away. He said, “This has been good for both of us.” “It’s ok”.